Louise is the girl in a million pictures. The angel in a thousand
daydreams. And the star of a hundred imagined romantic encounters a day.
The lads want her to themselves - and all the laydees want to be
her. She's glam, gorgeous, but damn it all, could it be she's normal too?
"I do think it's nice when men tell me they've got pictures of me on
their walls," she laughs, "but they haven't seen me first thing in the
morning. My fringe sticks straight out and my eyes are all puffy."
Ah, but it's not quite the same in a slinky nightie and little pink
"Um, I've got a big fluffy teddy bear sleepsuit my mum got me,
actually. And big white soft fluffy slippers, like trainers. I look
like I've got cartoon character-sized feet.
A hot water bottle?
"Yes, I've got a piggy one."
Bet you wouldn't stoop to wearing a thermal vest?
"Oh sure, from Marks and Spencer's. Thermal underwear's great.
Occasionally I will treat myself to something fancy, but on the whole..."
There's something funny about this. Very odd. The person who's
posing like a glamourpuss on these pages doesn't look like these words
should spill from her dainty mouth.
"Oh come on, I'm like every other girl. I don't like my legs. I've
got knees like a footballer. And I don't exercise as much as I should
- I can feel myself gaining a few extra inches," she grimaces through
her smile. "I didn't eat chocolate for about two years because I
thought it would give me spots. Then I realised that I was getting
spots anyway, so it's back to the Milky Bars and Minstrels."
But what about those mystery nowhere-to-be-seen extra inches?
"Oh yeah, they're there. I'm a nibbler, you see. I pick at things
from the fridge. I even leave fingermarks in the food. It never used
to matter because when I was in Eternal - we
did so much dancing, I didn't need to exercise. I ought to go to the gym
- but I'm worried it would be too flash. I'm not one of these people who
go in there with a thong to prance around in front of a mirror. I'd be
there in my tracksuit, a T-shirt, basically 14 layers of clothes. I live
Still. It's amazing what a few lotions and oils can do in the old
beauty stakes. Perhaps this girl has a bathroom which simply oozes
"Well, I did use a face pack - a cucumber one."
"But I don't do it reguarly."
"And I treated me and my mum to a manicure once."
We're not exactly talking excess here, are we? Whatever happened to
no pain, no gain?
"I did go home and cry the first time I had my eyebrows plucked at a
So it's Saturday night. You're going out. And you have to get ready.
"It takes three quarters of an hour."
"That's with a bath and everything. I like to keep my make-up simple
and I've got some nice sexy hipster trousers I wear, then I'm ready."
So, Louise. She's not just beautiful. She's naturally beautiful. It
makes you sick...